It's Allowed

 I would like to address another lie that young American Christian women are living with today, propagated by the church itself and supported by two main veins of Christian thinking. And that lie is that you’re not allowed to desire a husband. There are two main avenues through which this perception is promoted—I think of them as the conservative and the progressive viewpoints.

The conservative viewpoint is often the one pushed on those unwitting high school girls in their cute little gender specific Bible Studies. Pretty teenage girls trying to dress modestly and remain pure for their future husbands are attracted to the ridiculous and oblivious adolescent boys in their youth groups and at school with shaggy hair and acne who play the guitar and flirt. They’re falling madly into infatuation, hormones raging, and praying earnestly for a husband that is a good man who dresses well and plays in the worship band. They’re giggling over the latest crush while their female Bible Study leaders and the more ‘focused,’ ‘mature,’ and ‘holier than thou’ Bible Study attendees are chastising them for not loving God enough.

The main argument of these sadly misled women is that if you are attracted to someone, then you must not love God enough to keep your focus off of the boys around you. They propagate the viewpoint that if you’re attracted to that shaggy kid then you are a less devoted lover of God and a less focused Christian. If you’re praying for a good husband, you’re wasting time that could be spent praying for world revival and greater advancements of the kingdom. How dare you.

This is shaming young women for what I would like to argue is a good, natural desire. It’s telling girls that if they are eager for a marriage relationship, then they are not true followers of Christ.

But when Adam was in the Garden of Eden with just himself and God (total exclusive intimacy), the Lord said it wasn’t good. It wasn’t okay for just Adam and God to chill… now that’s weird. We have this idea that if we’re singularly focused on God, He’s our only friend, and we’re not concerned with any other people, then we’re truly doing something very right. Wow, if God is your only friend, then you must be super duper hyper spiritual.

But look at that situation: in a still perfect world where just God and His still sinless man companion roamed, it wasn’t good for man to be alone. He was with God--but he was alone? He did not have a companion like himself. How did God fix the issue? He made a woman for that man to have companionship with. He made the man a partner, an ezer helper. The Hebrew word here for helper—ezer—is the same word used to denote the Lord’s helping position to man in many other places throughout the Bible. She's not a maidservant, not a laundry-doer, not a child-carrier… a strong and capable helper; a partner.

What if God had made woman first? Do you think she would have been just fine without a companion? “Well,” thinks God, “I guess since He’s a man then he should want a woman; but if I’d made a woman first, darn it, she would have been perfectly fine on her own!” No. Man needs woman. Woman needs man. And both need God. Therefore, when a woman desires a husband, a man, someone to partner with, is she not simply expressing the oldest desire of humanity? And wasn’t that desire something that the Lord quickly resolved because He felt it was a legitimate issue?

Yes.

Now, there is obviously a balance. Teenagers can make stupid decisions, rush into things, and be straight up idiots without the proper guidance and reassurance. They need to be redirected to the Lord in a time when pursuing marriage isn’t exactly their top issue. Graduate high school, grow up, mature, and all that jazz—but don’t discourage the desire itself. Telling them that they do not love God enough if they’re interested in a boy is plain crazy—because they carry that damaging viewpoint into the rest of their lives.

Fast forward 4-8 years and you’ve got a bunch of college students and young adults. It’s now the appropriate time to really start getting serious about finding a spouse (not that this can’t happen in high school—people marry their high school sweethearts, too; it’s just less common). But that viewpoint is still so common in our young women’s minds that their communities shame them for dating even when it’s a totally appropriate time. The passive-aggressive questions like, “Are you sure you’re still spending good time with God?” might be intended for good in some situations, but they’re often hurtful. If this gal is still healthy, still involved (though maybe a little less, since she's now got a new important relationship to invest time into), and still growing in the Lord, then there’s no need to make her feel like she’s abandoning God to pursue a relationship. Now, if you notice a friend who is dating a guy suddenly start doing drugs, swearing like a sailor, and dressing incredibly provocatively, then their best friend (not every ‘holier than thou’ woman in their community) should address the issue and see if they’re still on track. That’s called accountability. The other is called shaming.

Maintaining a healthy romantic relationship alongside your relationship with God is one of the most natural things ever—the very first humans did it to God’s great delight and pleasure. You are not abandoning your relationship with the Lord to pursue a relationship with a man. In fact, if he’s a good man, he’ll encourage your relationship with the Lord to become even stronger. This is all good. And you’re allowed to desire it.

Now, the progressive viewpoint has a similar effect but it approaches the issue from a new angle: feminism. Now, I have nothing wrong with women pursing careers, pursing leadership in ministry, not wanting to be married, not wanting kids right away for the sake of their profession, following their dreams, or doing great things without men. You do not NEED a man. If you’re one of those women who is totally fine (or even better off) doing your own thing without a husband, then by all means do it. Some of the world’s most influential missionaries and ministry groundbreaking women were single woman. And they are amazing. Heck, Paul even idealized this stance, saying that it was easier to focus on God singularly when you’re not married. And that’s honestly true—you just have less to worry about and work on when you don’t have a marriage to maintain.

But this viewpoint—“we don’t need men to live our dreams or do great things!”—is translated to those who do want husbands as “If you want a man, then you’re obviously settling and giving up your dreams.” This makes me so freaking mad. If you’re one of those woman who’d rather pursue your career over a husband and kids and married adventures, then that is totally fine—God made us all different! But please don’t shame the women who have grown up with their deepest dreams being a healthy, powerful marriage and raising God fearing-children. The Lord knows we need more mothers and fathers raising good kids these days and setting healthy examples of marriage that glorify the Father. 

My point is that if getting married and raising kids is your dream, then embrace it. Don’t let it consume you, obviously (just like anything), but don’t let the false idea that you’re settling for a less important life scare you away from praying for a husband. The fact is that anything can draw us away from Christ—for Pete’s sake, studying the Bible too much without actual relationship maintenance can draw you away from your relationship with God! Let’s be reasonable and encourage these women to pursue their dreams—it doesn’t make them weak. It doesn’t make them desperate. It doesn’t make them sad little creatures. It makes them women with dreams from the Lord pursuing their passion and calling as mothers and wives. And that’s admirable, strong, and courageous.

Both of these damaging viewpoints stem from a deeper issue in the church today, and that is a total lack of respect for the importance, sanctity, beauty, and sacredness of marriage. Marriage is so disrespected these days that people within the church are making jokes about it and fail to realize that two people, united in Christ’s love and intimacy with one another, can accomplish oftentimes far more than one minister on their own. Marriage is taking two strong lovers of the Lord and placing them on an immovable team together. It’s exponentially increasing their power for the Lord in the Kingdom of Heaven and permanently connecting two pieces of iron to constantly sharpen and propel one another forward.

It’s not something to shame people for desiring or having. It’s not a joke. It’s not a selfish choice—it’s one of the most selfless things you can do. It’s not random pleasure in your life; it’s defining and foundational. It’s not infatuation with a weak agreement; it’s a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church in an exclusive, powerful, unshakeable oath of the deepest love ever. It’s self-sacrificial. It’s ordained by God as a good, necessary, and holy thing.

If we started viewing marriage as a good thing, as a wise and strategic battle move for the army of Christ, as a powerful position, as a ministry choice… then maybe we could encourage one another to pursue it, to enjoy it, to prepare ourselves for it, and to celebrate our brothers and sisters who have found it.

Women, you’re allowed to want a husband. You’re allowed to pray for a husband. You’re allowed to pursue a good relationship.

You’re allowed.