I had my first child just three and a half months ago. It
was wonderful and scary and exhausting and revelatory: life has changed
forever. Anyone who’s had a kid knows how completely radical the shift is and
how your life will never be the same. On the flip side, before you’ve had a
kid, there’s just no way of knowing what it’s like—especially in those first
few weeks with your firstborn babe.
It’s a whole new world. And even though every mom responds
differently, every life situation is different, and all of that jazz, one thing
holds true for basically everyone: you need help. Lots of help. Some moms just
need someone to talk to—some need alone time. Some moms need someone else to
just hold their baby—some need everyone to stop
holding their baby. Some need naps and showers. Some need their dishes done and
meals brought to them. Some need their floors swept and their laundry handled.
Some need a babysitter so they can sit at a coffee shop alone. Some need all of
this!
The tragedy? If your community is not a bunch of other
parents who know the drill, your friends don’t know all of this, which means
they won’t offer these services. And few moms will ask—because they don’t know
it’s normal to need it. They feel needy because we hide the fact that
motherhood is really hard, especially in the beginning. Postpartum hormones are
raging and sleep deprivation starves the mind of reason, leading to breakdowns
and mood swings that pregnancy can’t even come close to competing with. Before
you’ve figured out how to nurse the baby while doing basically everything,
you’re chained to the rocker for what seems like 22 hours a day—deprived of
water, food, and sleep. Dishes pile. You scrounge for food because how in the
world are you supposed to go grocery shopping, let alone prepare a half decent
meal with this suckling machine permanently attached to your boob? The bathroom
starts to accumulate what must be an incredibly unhealthy amount of dust,
grime, and lint everywhere and the trashcan is overflowing with the 700 pads
you go through in a single day. Not to mention the diaper trash can which is
becoming very compact as you continually try to push all them down instead of
emptying it—because who has time for that? The Peanut is hungry again.
With my first, my parents decided to set up their RV in town
and just kind of camp out for basically the first 6 weeks of my daughter’s
life. My mother-in-law also came for a week to help out. We moved from Montana
to New Mexico when she was 3.5 weeks old, so having all of their help with the
packing and caravanning was invaluable. However, my parents didn’t really do much. They made a few meals, which
was nice, and they cleaned the dishes a few times, which was mega-awesome, but
otherwise just wanted to hold the baby. I, however, was one of those moms who
wanted to figure it all out on her own and who actually did want to hold her
baby every now and then. Having all these people there all the time made me
feel obligated to let them hold her constantly. When everyone would leave at
the end of the day, I got precious moments holding my daughter and cuddling my
husband that I wish I’d had more of. In addition, because someone else was
always holding my baby, I felt like I had to be doing things constantly. I
swept and mopped and scrubbed my whole kitchen when my daughter was 4 days old
(second day home from the hospital) without anyone offering to help. I did
dishes, I cleaned the bathroom, I did endless loads of laundry, I changed every
diaper, and I only got to hold my tiny, brand new daughter when she was
nursing. All that I wanted was to be alone at home with my baby.
However, my best friend just had her first baby, three
months after me. While my family was a little smothering in presence but pretty
unhelpful otherwise, her family basically shows up to take pictures and leaves.
In addition, I’m really her only friend who’s had a baby, and I’m out of town
for the summer. So no one is helping. Because they just don’t know what to do.
And there she is, sitting at home, exhausted, husband at work, chained to her
glider, hardly eating or sleeping. But no one knows—and no one knows how to
help.
So, here’s the point: I’d like to tell everyone who doesn’t
have babies how to help their friends when they have babies. I don’t blame you
for not knowing how to help—I wouldn’t have known how to help until I’d had a
baby, too. And I didn’t know what I’d actually really need until I’d had a
baby. So I’m giving you some steps to follow to be the most helpful friend you
can be.
1. Ask her how you
can be most helpful. Seems like a cop-out, but this is crucial. Every mom
is so different, every baby is so different, and everyone values different
things. Give her some options and offer your services, but don’t force anything
on her. Try not to tell a new mom
what you’re doing, because you might be doing more harm than good.
For example, you might assume that she needs someone to hold
the baby while she does chores. Fair enough. Some moms need that. But ask
first, because maybe what she really needs is someone to do the chores for her
while she naps.
You might assume that she needs you to bring her a meal. But
maybe she enjoys cooking and would much rather have you hold the baby while she
cooks a meal herself.
You might think you’re being sweet by saying, “I’m coming
over right now to help out! See you in 5!” But she just got the baby to sleep
after fussing for 8 hours and was getting ready to have some alone time with a
cup of coffee and a good book.
Ask. Do not assume. Every mom is different.
2. Reassure her that
you’re willing and that she can be honest with you. You may offer to help
and receive a reply like, “Oh, we’re really doing just fine!” or “That’s okay,
you can just come by and hold him/her sometime.” She’s being nice. She doesn’t
want to assume that you actually mean it. She doesn’t want to ask you to do
something for her like clean her bathroom because in her normal friendships up
until now she would NEVER have asked you to do that. Also, there’s this thing
in motherhood culture right now where you’re sort of expected to be Super Mom
who needs no help. It’s damaging. She needs help. So reassure her that you’re
actually and legitimately willing to help her however she needs help.
3. Give her some
options to get the ideas flowing. Once
she’s on board with you really helping (or in order to get her on board with
you helping) she might need some idea stimulation to think of what she actually
needs. By giving her some options of ways you can help her, you not only give
her an idea of the standard you’re referring to when you say “help out,” but
you’re helping to jog her memory of those moments when she was sitting alone at
home thinking “I wish someone would offer to…”
Here are a few ideas of services you may offer:
·
“I can wipe down the bathroom and kitchen for
you, since I know you don’t really have time for that right now.”
·
“I can bring a lunch and we can have a little
social time over a meal.”
·
“I can hold the baby while you shower and maybe
even take a nap (if you pump a little milk or prepare some formula you can have
a really long nap).”
·
“I can bring you a full dinner and drop it off
so you can enjoy a nice evening with just you and your husband and the baby
without having to prepare a meal (I’ll even make it big enough so there’s
leftovers!).”
·
“I can make a run to the grocery store or
Wal-Mart for you if you need some food or pads or diapers or anything and just
don’t have the energy to leave the house.”
·
“I can bring some chocolate, wine, and candles
and hold the baby while you enjoy a little bath time.”
4. Plan a time. Setting
an actual time shows her that you’re serious—you’re not just being nice. It
also helps her to know when to expect you—“just dropping by” on a new mom isn’t
the nicest thing in the world. Just know that once you’ve planned this time,
you’ve really got to stick to it. It might be the only thing that she really
has to look forward to in that day.
5. Double check right
before the time arrives. This is really important. In the world of brand
new babies, there is no consistency, no schedule, and no predictability. You
may have planned to come over and help clean and hang out at 2pm, but an hour
or so before the time it’s safe to text mama and ask if she’s still up for you
to come. She may have had a really hard night and just isn’t up for a visitor
today. Maybe the baby just fell asleep for the first time all day and she was
hoping to take a nap. Always double check before coming over so she knows she
can cancel if she needs to do so. If she does cancel, leave the ball in her
court by offering that she can name another to carry out the plan. If she never
gets back to you, remind her in a few days that the offer still stands—she
probably forgot.
6. Pass no judgment. When
you show up, expect the house to be dirty. Expect laundry to be everywhere.
Expect mom to smell bad. Expect dishes to be piled, trash cans to be
overflowing, fridges to be empty, and mom to be a little frazzled. Just expect
it—that way, anything slightly more put together than totally falling apart
looks like a pleasant surprise and accomplishment. At this point, anything
better than that description really is an accomplishment. Reassure her that
you’re not judging her, because she will apologize for the state of her
seemingly pig-sty-status life. Let her know that, even though you haven’t gone
through it yet yourself, you can only imagine how crazy it must be to have a
newborn. Let her know that you’re willing to empathize.
7. If you can, do
something a little extra to show her that you really care. Go the extra
mile. Don’t just come to clean the bathroom—bring a nice candle to go in it and
brighten things up a bit, or some Epsom salts so she can take a nice bath later
in her cleaned bathtub. Don’t just bring that lasagna, bring a bottle of while
and some chocolate, too. You get the point. She won’t ask for it, so show your
love by doing that little extra.
8. Offer again, if
you’re able and willing. She is probably going to be worried that she
scared you off with the hectic-ness of her new life and that you’ll never want
to offer to help (or hang out) ever again. So show her that she’s wrong and
that you’re not afraid: offer to help again. Offer to do the same thing next
week or to do something else, depending on what she needs. Tell her that you’re
excited to hang out again after things have normalized a little. Validate her
terrifying decision to ask for and receive help.
Follow these steps to truly be the superhero helpful friend
when your friends are having babies. From the outside, it may seem all magical
and adorable, filled with baby giggles and cuddles… but on the inside, it’s
very difficult. Babies are fussy and whiney, they eat all the time, they hardly
sleep, they cry, they poop, they puke. They’re cute, but they’re a lot of work.
Having friends to help is crucial.
You can do it!
