The Dating Lie

Some things in life are impossible to know until you’ve experienced them…

Like what chocolate tastes like.

How fun a rollercoaster is.

The joy of falling in love.

What it’s like to have a true best friend.

Holding your first child.

And the love of God.

It’s impossible for someone to describe those things to you—you just need to experience it. They can use all the descriptive language in the world, but it won’t hit home until you’re there and knowing it for yourself.

This phenomenon is dangerous when those things you haven’t yet understood for yourself are harmful and should be avoided. You don’t know how much you need to avoid them…

Like climbing a tree too high only to fall.

Dating a loser in high school who will break your heart.

Being mean to your friend over petty things and losing a relationship.

Giving too much of yourself too soon in a romantic setting.

These are things that should be avoided, and only those who have experienced them can truly advise us against them with wisdom. This is why we have parents—to tell us to not climb so high, not to date the loser, and to be nice to our friends; to guide us in loving God and living a pure life. They are there to protect us—and they have the validity to do so because they have made many or all of those mistakes themselves. And because they’ve been places and done things that we haven’t, it’s our job to trust their wisdom and make the best decisions.

Sometimes, however, we make up rules for where we haven’t been yet. We hear rules from others about a situation and we hold onto them with a steadfast grasp, even though we’ve never been there. We even hold others to these standards. These standards become laws in our mind, in our communities… and sources of shame and ostracism when they aren’t followed. These are the unapproachable lies of the church meant to give some an authority that doesn’t exist and other’s a sense of shame for experiencing something the others haven't yet. 

One of those lies has been fed to young women of the church for years and years, and I hope to address it here:

“You shouldn’t have to change for the man you date or marry.”

LIE.

I want to scream it from the mountaintops! What is so dangerous about this one is that it sounds so freaking reasonable. It empowers women to be who they are and not settle. It encourages us to find the right man who will love us for who we are… But it is inherently based in a shameful pride.

The only reason you should want to be with someone who won’t change you is if you’re perfect.

I’m not! You’re not, and I’m sorry to say that. But you are NOT perfect. You NEED to change. You must grow. You have to mature. And you need to be aware of this. Who you are right now is not who you were made to be—no matter how old you are, how great you are with self-growth, how self-disciplined, or how self-actualized you are. You are always growing and changing, maturing and learning, and slowly becoming more and more like Jesus, like the person you were designed to be. And one day in heaven, you will experience the fullness for which you were designed. Until then, you’d better learn and change constantly, lest you become stagnant and lukewarm… and we all know what happens to lukewarm Christians.

Here’s the point: of course you don’t want to be with a guy who makes you into a promiscuous, drug addicted, irresponsible meany who leaves your walk with God. That’s not what we’re talking about. What you do want is a guy who spurs you on towards love and good deeds, who challenges you to grow and mature, who can call you out on your faults and flaws and help you to get past them… You want the man who loves who you are and always helps you to be better.

When you start dating that right guy, you had BETTER change. You sure ought to grow. I want to see you mature, soften, open up, and embrace life in a new way. Should your life plans change? Unless the two of you literally had the same exact plans independent of each other, YES, your life plans should change. Because otherwise, you’re selfishly not considering your partner. Should you grow out of your faults? Yes, because you’re now with someone who’s encouraging you to do so—you have iron sharpening iron. And you should be humble enough to accept that.

When I started dating my now husband, I had people telling me with great disappointment and concern that I was “changing,” as if it was a red flag. “Natalie,” they’d say, “you’re really changing a lot for this guy. Are you sure this is really what you want? You don’t seem to be who you used to be…”

GOOD! Now, I was young (still am), and probably didn’t change in exclusively good ways. I probably focused too much on him. We started to blur physical boundaries, which is obviously a negative change. But I also started to pursue the Lord with such an increased intensity because I was inspired by his closeness to the Father. I wanted that, too. I grew out of a lot of obnoxiousness because I wasn’t trying to “attract a mate” anymore—I realized that I could settle myself down and explore some real maturity. I stopped spending so much time just sitting around and neglecting school and responsibilities with my friends because I realized that I wanted to be responsible—now I had someone to be responsible for. And I was shamed for these things: “Are you sure you’re pursuing God for the right reasons?” “He’s making you all quiet and not fun anymore.” “You don’t just hang out with us all of the time anymore…”

I grew. And all of my friends who didn’t yet understand experientially the situation that I was in were making the rules for me. It filled me with shame and them with self-righteous indignation… for no reason.

My best friend had an even harder time with this in our community when she and her now husband started dating almost two years ago… except I was one of those who shamed her. I hadn’t yet experienced it and used the same tactics that were used against me just 6 months later. “You’re spending so much time with him, we never see you anymore…” I’m sorry. I’m getting to know the love of my life while growing up and not just sitting around with my friends all day. “You’re changing… you don’t seem like the same person.” I’m sorry, I’m growing and maturing out of my selfishness and pride to better love this other person and am trying to be more like Christ. 

My best friend is a completely different person now than she was just two years ago. A completely different person. Having been in a relationship and married for about one year now, she is one of the most mature, humbled, caring, gentle, and selfless people I know… and she would freaking laugh out loud if she read that. Because she certainly doesn’t think so. But I know so—because those traits are where her heart is now. Sure, she may not always respond perfectly (she’s still not perfect), but she is driven to learn how to be more like those traits--more like Christ--every day… for the love of her husband and because of the great work he’s done in her life through Christ's love in him. Two years ago these things weren’t in her heart in near the same way that they are now. I can attribute those fantastic and inspiring growths to her husband encouraging her to grow in the Lord.

I don’t know about you, but I want to change as a result of my marriage. I need to. I desire it deeply and ardently. I want to grow and change and look like a completely different person because of my marriage.

Marriage is from God. Relationships are from God. But in the single population of the church, marriage is almost laughed at. It’s shamed in it's infancy with an attitude of, "you must not love God as much as me since you need a relationship." It’s sad and really disgusting. Marriage is GOOD, proclaimed Good by GOD in the beginning of the Bible when he made Adam and Eve. You’re allowed to desire a relationship (that’s another post for another day…).

I guess my point is this:

Women, find a man who will change you completely, who will make you better and open you up to the Lord. And those of you who don’t have a man yet (we’ve all been there), please do not shame those good things. If your friend who recently entered a relationship hasn’t changed yet, call them out on THAT. Continue to spur them on towards love and good deeds.

And push them towards the man who will change them for the better.