It's Allowed

 I would like to address another lie that young American Christian women are living with today, propagated by the church itself and supported by two main veins of Christian thinking. And that lie is that you’re not allowed to desire a husband. There are two main avenues through which this perception is promoted—I think of them as the conservative and the progressive viewpoints.

The conservative viewpoint is often the one pushed on those unwitting high school girls in their cute little gender specific Bible Studies. Pretty teenage girls trying to dress modestly and remain pure for their future husbands are attracted to the ridiculous and oblivious adolescent boys in their youth groups and at school with shaggy hair and acne who play the guitar and flirt. They’re falling madly into infatuation, hormones raging, and praying earnestly for a husband that is a good man who dresses well and plays in the worship band. They’re giggling over the latest crush while their female Bible Study leaders and the more ‘focused,’ ‘mature,’ and ‘holier than thou’ Bible Study attendees are chastising them for not loving God enough.

The main argument of these sadly misled women is that if you are attracted to someone, then you must not love God enough to keep your focus off of the boys around you. They propagate the viewpoint that if you’re attracted to that shaggy kid then you are a less devoted lover of God and a less focused Christian. If you’re praying for a good husband, you’re wasting time that could be spent praying for world revival and greater advancements of the kingdom. How dare you.

This is shaming young women for what I would like to argue is a good, natural desire. It’s telling girls that if they are eager for a marriage relationship, then they are not true followers of Christ.

But when Adam was in the Garden of Eden with just himself and God (total exclusive intimacy), the Lord said it wasn’t good. It wasn’t okay for just Adam and God to chill… now that’s weird. We have this idea that if we’re singularly focused on God, He’s our only friend, and we’re not concerned with any other people, then we’re truly doing something very right. Wow, if God is your only friend, then you must be super duper hyper spiritual.

But look at that situation: in a still perfect world where just God and His still sinless man companion roamed, it wasn’t good for man to be alone. He was with God--but he was alone? He did not have a companion like himself. How did God fix the issue? He made a woman for that man to have companionship with. He made the man a partner, an ezer helper. The Hebrew word here for helper—ezer—is the same word used to denote the Lord’s helping position to man in many other places throughout the Bible. She's not a maidservant, not a laundry-doer, not a child-carrier… a strong and capable helper; a partner.

What if God had made woman first? Do you think she would have been just fine without a companion? “Well,” thinks God, “I guess since He’s a man then he should want a woman; but if I’d made a woman first, darn it, she would have been perfectly fine on her own!” No. Man needs woman. Woman needs man. And both need God. Therefore, when a woman desires a husband, a man, someone to partner with, is she not simply expressing the oldest desire of humanity? And wasn’t that desire something that the Lord quickly resolved because He felt it was a legitimate issue?

Yes.

Now, there is obviously a balance. Teenagers can make stupid decisions, rush into things, and be straight up idiots without the proper guidance and reassurance. They need to be redirected to the Lord in a time when pursuing marriage isn’t exactly their top issue. Graduate high school, grow up, mature, and all that jazz—but don’t discourage the desire itself. Telling them that they do not love God enough if they’re interested in a boy is plain crazy—because they carry that damaging viewpoint into the rest of their lives.

Fast forward 4-8 years and you’ve got a bunch of college students and young adults. It’s now the appropriate time to really start getting serious about finding a spouse (not that this can’t happen in high school—people marry their high school sweethearts, too; it’s just less common). But that viewpoint is still so common in our young women’s minds that their communities shame them for dating even when it’s a totally appropriate time. The passive-aggressive questions like, “Are you sure you’re still spending good time with God?” might be intended for good in some situations, but they’re often hurtful. If this gal is still healthy, still involved (though maybe a little less, since she's now got a new important relationship to invest time into), and still growing in the Lord, then there’s no need to make her feel like she’s abandoning God to pursue a relationship. Now, if you notice a friend who is dating a guy suddenly start doing drugs, swearing like a sailor, and dressing incredibly provocatively, then their best friend (not every ‘holier than thou’ woman in their community) should address the issue and see if they’re still on track. That’s called accountability. The other is called shaming.

Maintaining a healthy romantic relationship alongside your relationship with God is one of the most natural things ever—the very first humans did it to God’s great delight and pleasure. You are not abandoning your relationship with the Lord to pursue a relationship with a man. In fact, if he’s a good man, he’ll encourage your relationship with the Lord to become even stronger. This is all good. And you’re allowed to desire it.

Now, the progressive viewpoint has a similar effect but it approaches the issue from a new angle: feminism. Now, I have nothing wrong with women pursing careers, pursing leadership in ministry, not wanting to be married, not wanting kids right away for the sake of their profession, following their dreams, or doing great things without men. You do not NEED a man. If you’re one of those women who is totally fine (or even better off) doing your own thing without a husband, then by all means do it. Some of the world’s most influential missionaries and ministry groundbreaking women were single woman. And they are amazing. Heck, Paul even idealized this stance, saying that it was easier to focus on God singularly when you’re not married. And that’s honestly true—you just have less to worry about and work on when you don’t have a marriage to maintain.

But this viewpoint—“we don’t need men to live our dreams or do great things!”—is translated to those who do want husbands as “If you want a man, then you’re obviously settling and giving up your dreams.” This makes me so freaking mad. If you’re one of those woman who’d rather pursue your career over a husband and kids and married adventures, then that is totally fine—God made us all different! But please don’t shame the women who have grown up with their deepest dreams being a healthy, powerful marriage and raising God fearing-children. The Lord knows we need more mothers and fathers raising good kids these days and setting healthy examples of marriage that glorify the Father. 

My point is that if getting married and raising kids is your dream, then embrace it. Don’t let it consume you, obviously (just like anything), but don’t let the false idea that you’re settling for a less important life scare you away from praying for a husband. The fact is that anything can draw us away from Christ—for Pete’s sake, studying the Bible too much without actual relationship maintenance can draw you away from your relationship with God! Let’s be reasonable and encourage these women to pursue their dreams—it doesn’t make them weak. It doesn’t make them desperate. It doesn’t make them sad little creatures. It makes them women with dreams from the Lord pursuing their passion and calling as mothers and wives. And that’s admirable, strong, and courageous.

Both of these damaging viewpoints stem from a deeper issue in the church today, and that is a total lack of respect for the importance, sanctity, beauty, and sacredness of marriage. Marriage is so disrespected these days that people within the church are making jokes about it and fail to realize that two people, united in Christ’s love and intimacy with one another, can accomplish oftentimes far more than one minister on their own. Marriage is taking two strong lovers of the Lord and placing them on an immovable team together. It’s exponentially increasing their power for the Lord in the Kingdom of Heaven and permanently connecting two pieces of iron to constantly sharpen and propel one another forward.

It’s not something to shame people for desiring or having. It’s not a joke. It’s not a selfish choice—it’s one of the most selfless things you can do. It’s not random pleasure in your life; it’s defining and foundational. It’s not infatuation with a weak agreement; it’s a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church in an exclusive, powerful, unshakeable oath of the deepest love ever. It’s self-sacrificial. It’s ordained by God as a good, necessary, and holy thing.

If we started viewing marriage as a good thing, as a wise and strategic battle move for the army of Christ, as a powerful position, as a ministry choice… then maybe we could encourage one another to pursue it, to enjoy it, to prepare ourselves for it, and to celebrate our brothers and sisters who have found it.

Women, you’re allowed to want a husband. You’re allowed to pray for a husband. You’re allowed to pursue a good relationship.

You’re allowed.

The Dating Lie

Some things in life are impossible to know until you’ve experienced them…

Like what chocolate tastes like.

How fun a rollercoaster is.

The joy of falling in love.

What it’s like to have a true best friend.

Holding your first child.

And the love of God.

It’s impossible for someone to describe those things to you—you just need to experience it. They can use all the descriptive language in the world, but it won’t hit home until you’re there and knowing it for yourself.

This phenomenon is dangerous when those things you haven’t yet understood for yourself are harmful and should be avoided. You don’t know how much you need to avoid them…

Like climbing a tree too high only to fall.

Dating a loser in high school who will break your heart.

Being mean to your friend over petty things and losing a relationship.

Giving too much of yourself too soon in a romantic setting.

These are things that should be avoided, and only those who have experienced them can truly advise us against them with wisdom. This is why we have parents—to tell us to not climb so high, not to date the loser, and to be nice to our friends; to guide us in loving God and living a pure life. They are there to protect us—and they have the validity to do so because they have made many or all of those mistakes themselves. And because they’ve been places and done things that we haven’t, it’s our job to trust their wisdom and make the best decisions.

Sometimes, however, we make up rules for where we haven’t been yet. We hear rules from others about a situation and we hold onto them with a steadfast grasp, even though we’ve never been there. We even hold others to these standards. These standards become laws in our mind, in our communities… and sources of shame and ostracism when they aren’t followed. These are the unapproachable lies of the church meant to give some an authority that doesn’t exist and other’s a sense of shame for experiencing something the others haven't yet. 

One of those lies has been fed to young women of the church for years and years, and I hope to address it here:

“You shouldn’t have to change for the man you date or marry.”

LIE.

I want to scream it from the mountaintops! What is so dangerous about this one is that it sounds so freaking reasonable. It empowers women to be who they are and not settle. It encourages us to find the right man who will love us for who we are… But it is inherently based in a shameful pride.

The only reason you should want to be with someone who won’t change you is if you’re perfect.

I’m not! You’re not, and I’m sorry to say that. But you are NOT perfect. You NEED to change. You must grow. You have to mature. And you need to be aware of this. Who you are right now is not who you were made to be—no matter how old you are, how great you are with self-growth, how self-disciplined, or how self-actualized you are. You are always growing and changing, maturing and learning, and slowly becoming more and more like Jesus, like the person you were designed to be. And one day in heaven, you will experience the fullness for which you were designed. Until then, you’d better learn and change constantly, lest you become stagnant and lukewarm… and we all know what happens to lukewarm Christians.

Here’s the point: of course you don’t want to be with a guy who makes you into a promiscuous, drug addicted, irresponsible meany who leaves your walk with God. That’s not what we’re talking about. What you do want is a guy who spurs you on towards love and good deeds, who challenges you to grow and mature, who can call you out on your faults and flaws and help you to get past them… You want the man who loves who you are and always helps you to be better.

When you start dating that right guy, you had BETTER change. You sure ought to grow. I want to see you mature, soften, open up, and embrace life in a new way. Should your life plans change? Unless the two of you literally had the same exact plans independent of each other, YES, your life plans should change. Because otherwise, you’re selfishly not considering your partner. Should you grow out of your faults? Yes, because you’re now with someone who’s encouraging you to do so—you have iron sharpening iron. And you should be humble enough to accept that.

When I started dating my now husband, I had people telling me with great disappointment and concern that I was “changing,” as if it was a red flag. “Natalie,” they’d say, “you’re really changing a lot for this guy. Are you sure this is really what you want? You don’t seem to be who you used to be…”

GOOD! Now, I was young (still am), and probably didn’t change in exclusively good ways. I probably focused too much on him. We started to blur physical boundaries, which is obviously a negative change. But I also started to pursue the Lord with such an increased intensity because I was inspired by his closeness to the Father. I wanted that, too. I grew out of a lot of obnoxiousness because I wasn’t trying to “attract a mate” anymore—I realized that I could settle myself down and explore some real maturity. I stopped spending so much time just sitting around and neglecting school and responsibilities with my friends because I realized that I wanted to be responsible—now I had someone to be responsible for. And I was shamed for these things: “Are you sure you’re pursuing God for the right reasons?” “He’s making you all quiet and not fun anymore.” “You don’t just hang out with us all of the time anymore…”

I grew. And all of my friends who didn’t yet understand experientially the situation that I was in were making the rules for me. It filled me with shame and them with self-righteous indignation… for no reason.

My best friend had an even harder time with this in our community when she and her now husband started dating almost two years ago… except I was one of those who shamed her. I hadn’t yet experienced it and used the same tactics that were used against me just 6 months later. “You’re spending so much time with him, we never see you anymore…” I’m sorry. I’m getting to know the love of my life while growing up and not just sitting around with my friends all day. “You’re changing… you don’t seem like the same person.” I’m sorry, I’m growing and maturing out of my selfishness and pride to better love this other person and am trying to be more like Christ. 

My best friend is a completely different person now than she was just two years ago. A completely different person. Having been in a relationship and married for about one year now, she is one of the most mature, humbled, caring, gentle, and selfless people I know… and she would freaking laugh out loud if she read that. Because she certainly doesn’t think so. But I know so—because those traits are where her heart is now. Sure, she may not always respond perfectly (she’s still not perfect), but she is driven to learn how to be more like those traits--more like Christ--every day… for the love of her husband and because of the great work he’s done in her life through Christ's love in him. Two years ago these things weren’t in her heart in near the same way that they are now. I can attribute those fantastic and inspiring growths to her husband encouraging her to grow in the Lord.

I don’t know about you, but I want to change as a result of my marriage. I need to. I desire it deeply and ardently. I want to grow and change and look like a completely different person because of my marriage.

Marriage is from God. Relationships are from God. But in the single population of the church, marriage is almost laughed at. It’s shamed in it's infancy with an attitude of, "you must not love God as much as me since you need a relationship." It’s sad and really disgusting. Marriage is GOOD, proclaimed Good by GOD in the beginning of the Bible when he made Adam and Eve. You’re allowed to desire a relationship (that’s another post for another day…).

I guess my point is this:

Women, find a man who will change you completely, who will make you better and open you up to the Lord. And those of you who don’t have a man yet (we’ve all been there), please do not shame those good things. If your friend who recently entered a relationship hasn’t changed yet, call them out on THAT. Continue to spur them on towards love and good deeds.

And push them towards the man who will change them for the better.

Oh, Little Girls of Mine...

Today, I am filled with thoughts about my daughters. I don’t know them yet, but I can sense who they will be. I dream of holding them in my arms as infants and dressing them up for parties and holidays in adorable dresses and headbands. I picture the fights we’ll have when they become strong-minded, stubborn teenagers and the joys we’ll have sharing special moments of womanhood. And even though it’s so far off, I cannot wait for the day when they’re all grown up and we can be best friends.

I’m struck specifically today by the knowledge that I will be their role model of a woman. Whether they want to or not, they will take after me in many ways—most of which they probably won’t even notice. The way I carry myself, treat others, interact with them, guide them, respect my husband, and love my friends will all become habits that they will follow to varying extents. Who I am will act as the template for womanhood in their minds during their formative years. And the lessons that I teach them, both explicitly and implicitly will be carried into the rest of their lives, their self-value, their self-image, their self-esteem, and their understanding of what it is to be a woman of God.

That’s pretty heavy… and very powerful. As a mother, I get to raise my daughters to be wonderful, strong, beautiful, aware, wise, and encouraging women (to name a few but by no means all of the attributes vital to a healthy woman). I get to openly teach them about being a woman, being beautiful, loving the Lord, and what God’s original design for women and womanhood is—to the best of my knowledge and experience.

I get to teach them to be strong and understand their value as women. I get to show them how to serve others by how I serve my family with a joyful heart. I get to encourage them with truth from the Lord when they have been hurt or knocked down as a woman. I get to speak purpose into their lives and join with the Lord in helping them walk with Him.  I get to show them what true beauty looks like, and to not be ashamed of embracing their femininity. I get to show them how I respect and submit to my husband out of honor for him and not because of inferiority on my part. I hope to show them how to be a humble, meek, and gentle woman while not sacrificing strength, courage, bravery, and passion for life.

I want to help them to realize their dreams, their callings, and their giftings. I want to encourage them to invest in and grow in these areas at a young age. I want them to know that women can lead with power and insight, that they are beautiful and radiant, that they exhibit characteristics of the Father just as men do. I want them to always feel beautiful, to turn down men who don’t treat them just right because they know their worth, and to pursue the dreams that the Lord has put on their hearts with dedication, surrender, and passion. I want them to live so fully that they glow with the expression of Christ’s life in their beings.

I know that I’ll make mistakes. They'll pick up my bad habits. I might be mean to them in frustration and exhaustion one day and they’ll be hurt. They’ll be angsty and irritated and hurt me, too. I’ll break a rule or show a lack of self-control somewhere. I’m human. But I pray that those mistakes don’t cause any permanent damage. Instead, I pray that they simply allow opportunity for us to practice reconciliation, forgiveness, and moving forward in relationships.

I don’t know how many daughters I will have, what they will look like, what they’ll enjoy, or what they’ll be good at. I don’t know them in reality, but I know them in my Spirit, and I love them already. I pray now that they will be filled with the Spirit. I pray that I will always be a place of comfort, gentleness, encouragement, and safety for them. I pray that they will know who they are by first knowing the Heavenly Father, and that understanding their place in the Kingdom of heaven will fill them with the confidence to step out in faith to fulfill the greatness that the Lord has in store for them.

I bless them in Jesus’ name as reckless lovers of the Lord and His children, seekers of wisdom, speakers of truth, partakers in adventure, worshippers of the Father, and royalty in the Kingdom of Heaven who fear nothing but the greatness of their King. Make them brave, beautiful, and abundantly alive, Lord.

I love you, my little darlings. Love the Lord with all of your heart. 

A Hardened Heart

Two semesters ago, I took a sociology class. We read a book called, Angry White Men, which I didn’t really care for all that much, for irrelevant reasons. But something that stood out to me very poignantly in that book was the explanation of the rage and inappropriateness that can arise from the anonymity allowed us by the Internet. People will say things online that they would never say to another human being in real life. And while I’m not an advocate for turning the world upside down to avoid offending anyone, I am also not an advocate of becoming coldly detached from other humans and holding opinions that are fired up by an evil mob mentality. I fear that our hearts may be affected by our quickness to judge with harshness online.

I was scrolling through my Facebook homepage this morning (an unfortunately regular and consistent pastime) to see all of the reposting’s about a man who fell into a hot spring at Yellowstone National Park and is presumably dead, although they still search for his body in the devilish hot spring environment. The man wandered off the boardwalks approximately 20 feet, despite railings and countless signs warning against such an action. He then fell in to waters of temperatures immediately deadly to humans and hasn’t been seen yet.

This news article was posted by numerous friends with comments along the lines of:

           

“Are all the Yellowstone visitors brain dead this year?”

            “What an idiot; could he not read the signs?”

            “Another dumb tourist bites the dust.”

… and so on and so forth. Sure, your comments exploit and highlight the obviously ill-conceived idea to cross guardrails onto extremely dangerous territory, implying “he did it to himself.”

But would you say that to his mother? His wife? His best friend? His daughter?

I really don’t think you would. Because if you actually saw his terrified and hysterical sister running to a Yellowstone ranger begging for help after seeing her brother disappear into a steaming abyss, you would be much more empathetic. If you were sitting at lunch with his mother when she received the call that her little boy had boiled to death in a bottomless Jurassic death pit, you would not scoff at his stupidity. If you saw the terror in his eyes and heard the last cut-off cry of his lips as he slipped under to his death, you would be ashamed of yourself for those rash Facebook comments.

This is only one example of the countless instances were we step in and implant our pretentious, uncompassionate, rude, and completely unsolicited opinions into stories about real people with real spirits, families, dreams, aspirations, callings, and choices. Should we be highly offended by everything we read on the Internet? No. But should we be careful to guard our hearts from such distant aloofness and a quickness to judge? Absolutely.

The danger in such attitudes online is that we are creatures of habit and behavioral conditioning. We repeat behaviors that are rewarded, perhaps through likes or a “haha” on Facebook in response to such a comment. We receive no punishment for allowing our hearts to respond in such a way, and so this behavior continues, is rewarded, and then is reinforced even more strongly.

And our hearts suffer.

We become as the Pharisees. We see ourselves as better. We look down upon and mock others with a guise of self-importance and are egged on by those around us. Through such thoughtless actions and words, our hearts becomes hardened to the poor and the helpless, the widow and the orphan. We judge people on their perceived intelligence as we rank it, and by our comments we estimate their worth as humans and reduce God’s creation to “dumb,” “brain dead” “tourists.” We erase a name and eliminate our ability for compassion.

But isn’t it God, the creator of all and lover of the billions who has compassion on every “dumb” and “brain dead” one of us (Psalm 145:9)? Isn’t it He, who has every right to distance himself from the lowly humans, who instead walked among men in all His humility to connect with, love, and save every single one of us (John 1:14)? Isn’t it the Lord Almighty who gave up His beloved Son to deliver us from our sinful selves that we may live now and forever in right relationship with Him, though completely undeserving (John 3:16)? Yes… I do believe it is He.

It is He who chooses to have a heart of compassion that is moved to heal us (Matthew 14:14). It is He who listens to every small request and takes delight in giving good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:11)… all 7 billion of them currently alive. It is He who forgives us every stupid action of ours at the cost of His perfect Son (Numbers 14:18). It is Him after whom our hearts are designed (Genesis 9:6b), and it is His heart that we should strive to emulate on this earth.

If the mouth is the overflow of the heart (Luke 6:45), then our hearts must indeed be hardened. 

Now, I am not speaking to condemn those who take on this approach to life… I am saying this all for myself. I wish to be one who always has a soft heart for others. I hope to always be able to enter into compassion for the Lord’s children. I don’t want to live my life always hyper-afraid of offending others, but I do want to speak the truth. I want to speak the truth with love (Ephesians 4:15). I don’t want to be removed, impersonal, and quick to judge, lest I be judged according to the same measure (Matthew 7:2). I want to accept with compassion and grace as my Savior has done for me.

The Lord gave me a wake up call this morning. Because of the evil that is alive in the world today, it is easy to be seduced into losing my heart. It is all too easy to hand over my heart on a golden platter to the devil, who then sneakily hardens and distorts it.

Ezekiel 36:26

Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

This is my prayer: that I receive the heart of flesh that the Lord is offering to me. I hope to never toughen like the Pharisees—as real today as they were 2000 years ago. I pray that I am always seeking the Lord’s approval, and not those of my Facebook friends (Galatians 1:10). I desire to share the heart of the Lord and the not the heart of this world. I hope to always leave the judgment of hearts to the Lord while speaking the truth of His word with love. I want to reflect my perfect creator in a dark and twisted world. I want to love others as I have been loved so overwhelmingly (1 John 4:19). I want to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, [and] mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15, NIV), not mock them.

You might ask why a hardened heart is such a big deal, and I would respond by saying that it is because a hardened heart inhibits us from hearing the Father and understanding His words.

Ephesians 4:18

They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.

Matthew 13:14-15

Indeed, in their case the prophecy of Isaiah is fulfilled that says: “‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive. For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.’

What if, “their case” of which Matthew speaks in the above verse is in fact our case as well? I don’t want to be one who hears without understanding or sees but never perceives. Is my heart “dull?” Is yours? Lord, heal us.

Father, keep me soft. Give me a heart of flesh. May I always be receptive to what You’re saying to me. May I always hear with understanding and reiterate to others with correct perception. May I walk with You, Lord, in right relationship. Help my words and actions to justly represent You, Great King, in every small interaction, for Your Glory. Help me to show compassion on everyone, to love all of Your children, and to be a wise and true ambassador for You on this earth.

Holy King, let me be a mouthpiece for You.