Oh, Little Girls of Mine...

Today, I am filled with thoughts about my daughters. I don’t know them yet, but I can sense who they will be. I dream of holding them in my arms as infants and dressing them up for parties and holidays in adorable dresses and headbands. I picture the fights we’ll have when they become strong-minded, stubborn teenagers and the joys we’ll have sharing special moments of womanhood. And even though it’s so far off, I cannot wait for the day when they’re all grown up and we can be best friends.

I’m struck specifically today by the knowledge that I will be their role model of a woman. Whether they want to or not, they will take after me in many ways—most of which they probably won’t even notice. The way I carry myself, treat others, interact with them, guide them, respect my husband, and love my friends will all become habits that they will follow to varying extents. Who I am will act as the template for womanhood in their minds during their formative years. And the lessons that I teach them, both explicitly and implicitly will be carried into the rest of their lives, their self-value, their self-image, their self-esteem, and their understanding of what it is to be a woman of God.

That’s pretty heavy… and very powerful. As a mother, I get to raise my daughters to be wonderful, strong, beautiful, aware, wise, and encouraging women (to name a few but by no means all of the attributes vital to a healthy woman). I get to openly teach them about being a woman, being beautiful, loving the Lord, and what God’s original design for women and womanhood is—to the best of my knowledge and experience.

I get to teach them to be strong and understand their value as women. I get to show them how to serve others by how I serve my family with a joyful heart. I get to encourage them with truth from the Lord when they have been hurt or knocked down as a woman. I get to speak purpose into their lives and join with the Lord in helping them walk with Him.  I get to show them what true beauty looks like, and to not be ashamed of embracing their femininity. I get to show them how I respect and submit to my husband out of honor for him and not because of inferiority on my part. I hope to show them how to be a humble, meek, and gentle woman while not sacrificing strength, courage, bravery, and passion for life.

I want to help them to realize their dreams, their callings, and their giftings. I want to encourage them to invest in and grow in these areas at a young age. I want them to know that women can lead with power and insight, that they are beautiful and radiant, that they exhibit characteristics of the Father just as men do. I want them to always feel beautiful, to turn down men who don’t treat them just right because they know their worth, and to pursue the dreams that the Lord has put on their hearts with dedication, surrender, and passion. I want them to live so fully that they glow with the expression of Christ’s life in their beings.

I know that I’ll make mistakes. They'll pick up my bad habits. I might be mean to them in frustration and exhaustion one day and they’ll be hurt. They’ll be angsty and irritated and hurt me, too. I’ll break a rule or show a lack of self-control somewhere. I’m human. But I pray that those mistakes don’t cause any permanent damage. Instead, I pray that they simply allow opportunity for us to practice reconciliation, forgiveness, and moving forward in relationships.

I don’t know how many daughters I will have, what they will look like, what they’ll enjoy, or what they’ll be good at. I don’t know them in reality, but I know them in my Spirit, and I love them already. I pray now that they will be filled with the Spirit. I pray that I will always be a place of comfort, gentleness, encouragement, and safety for them. I pray that they will know who they are by first knowing the Heavenly Father, and that understanding their place in the Kingdom of heaven will fill them with the confidence to step out in faith to fulfill the greatness that the Lord has in store for them.

I bless them in Jesus’ name as reckless lovers of the Lord and His children, seekers of wisdom, speakers of truth, partakers in adventure, worshippers of the Father, and royalty in the Kingdom of Heaven who fear nothing but the greatness of their King. Make them brave, beautiful, and abundantly alive, Lord.

I love you, my little darlings. Love the Lord with all of your heart. 

A Hardened Heart

Two semesters ago, I took a sociology class. We read a book called, Angry White Men, which I didn’t really care for all that much, for irrelevant reasons. But something that stood out to me very poignantly in that book was the explanation of the rage and inappropriateness that can arise from the anonymity allowed us by the Internet. People will say things online that they would never say to another human being in real life. And while I’m not an advocate for turning the world upside down to avoid offending anyone, I am also not an advocate of becoming coldly detached from other humans and holding opinions that are fired up by an evil mob mentality. I fear that our hearts may be affected by our quickness to judge with harshness online.

I was scrolling through my Facebook homepage this morning (an unfortunately regular and consistent pastime) to see all of the reposting’s about a man who fell into a hot spring at Yellowstone National Park and is presumably dead, although they still search for his body in the devilish hot spring environment. The man wandered off the boardwalks approximately 20 feet, despite railings and countless signs warning against such an action. He then fell in to waters of temperatures immediately deadly to humans and hasn’t been seen yet.

This news article was posted by numerous friends with comments along the lines of:

           

“Are all the Yellowstone visitors brain dead this year?”

            “What an idiot; could he not read the signs?”

            “Another dumb tourist bites the dust.”

… and so on and so forth. Sure, your comments exploit and highlight the obviously ill-conceived idea to cross guardrails onto extremely dangerous territory, implying “he did it to himself.”

But would you say that to his mother? His wife? His best friend? His daughter?

I really don’t think you would. Because if you actually saw his terrified and hysterical sister running to a Yellowstone ranger begging for help after seeing her brother disappear into a steaming abyss, you would be much more empathetic. If you were sitting at lunch with his mother when she received the call that her little boy had boiled to death in a bottomless Jurassic death pit, you would not scoff at his stupidity. If you saw the terror in his eyes and heard the last cut-off cry of his lips as he slipped under to his death, you would be ashamed of yourself for those rash Facebook comments.

This is only one example of the countless instances were we step in and implant our pretentious, uncompassionate, rude, and completely unsolicited opinions into stories about real people with real spirits, families, dreams, aspirations, callings, and choices. Should we be highly offended by everything we read on the Internet? No. But should we be careful to guard our hearts from such distant aloofness and a quickness to judge? Absolutely.

The danger in such attitudes online is that we are creatures of habit and behavioral conditioning. We repeat behaviors that are rewarded, perhaps through likes or a “haha” on Facebook in response to such a comment. We receive no punishment for allowing our hearts to respond in such a way, and so this behavior continues, is rewarded, and then is reinforced even more strongly.

And our hearts suffer.

We become as the Pharisees. We see ourselves as better. We look down upon and mock others with a guise of self-importance and are egged on by those around us. Through such thoughtless actions and words, our hearts becomes hardened to the poor and the helpless, the widow and the orphan. We judge people on their perceived intelligence as we rank it, and by our comments we estimate their worth as humans and reduce God’s creation to “dumb,” “brain dead” “tourists.” We erase a name and eliminate our ability for compassion.

But isn’t it God, the creator of all and lover of the billions who has compassion on every “dumb” and “brain dead” one of us (Psalm 145:9)? Isn’t it He, who has every right to distance himself from the lowly humans, who instead walked among men in all His humility to connect with, love, and save every single one of us (John 1:14)? Isn’t it the Lord Almighty who gave up His beloved Son to deliver us from our sinful selves that we may live now and forever in right relationship with Him, though completely undeserving (John 3:16)? Yes… I do believe it is He.

It is He who chooses to have a heart of compassion that is moved to heal us (Matthew 14:14). It is He who listens to every small request and takes delight in giving good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:11)… all 7 billion of them currently alive. It is He who forgives us every stupid action of ours at the cost of His perfect Son (Numbers 14:18). It is Him after whom our hearts are designed (Genesis 9:6b), and it is His heart that we should strive to emulate on this earth.

If the mouth is the overflow of the heart (Luke 6:45), then our hearts must indeed be hardened. 

Now, I am not speaking to condemn those who take on this approach to life… I am saying this all for myself. I wish to be one who always has a soft heart for others. I hope to always be able to enter into compassion for the Lord’s children. I don’t want to live my life always hyper-afraid of offending others, but I do want to speak the truth. I want to speak the truth with love (Ephesians 4:15). I don’t want to be removed, impersonal, and quick to judge, lest I be judged according to the same measure (Matthew 7:2). I want to accept with compassion and grace as my Savior has done for me.

The Lord gave me a wake up call this morning. Because of the evil that is alive in the world today, it is easy to be seduced into losing my heart. It is all too easy to hand over my heart on a golden platter to the devil, who then sneakily hardens and distorts it.

Ezekiel 36:26

Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

This is my prayer: that I receive the heart of flesh that the Lord is offering to me. I hope to never toughen like the Pharisees—as real today as they were 2000 years ago. I pray that I am always seeking the Lord’s approval, and not those of my Facebook friends (Galatians 1:10). I desire to share the heart of the Lord and the not the heart of this world. I hope to always leave the judgment of hearts to the Lord while speaking the truth of His word with love. I want to reflect my perfect creator in a dark and twisted world. I want to love others as I have been loved so overwhelmingly (1 John 4:19). I want to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, [and] mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15, NIV), not mock them.

You might ask why a hardened heart is such a big deal, and I would respond by saying that it is because a hardened heart inhibits us from hearing the Father and understanding His words.

Ephesians 4:18

They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.

Matthew 13:14-15

Indeed, in their case the prophecy of Isaiah is fulfilled that says: “‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive. For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.’

What if, “their case” of which Matthew speaks in the above verse is in fact our case as well? I don’t want to be one who hears without understanding or sees but never perceives. Is my heart “dull?” Is yours? Lord, heal us.

Father, keep me soft. Give me a heart of flesh. May I always be receptive to what You’re saying to me. May I always hear with understanding and reiterate to others with correct perception. May I walk with You, Lord, in right relationship. Help my words and actions to justly represent You, Great King, in every small interaction, for Your Glory. Help me to show compassion on everyone, to love all of Your children, and to be a wise and true ambassador for You on this earth.

Holy King, let me be a mouthpiece for You.

Practice

My husband suggested two days ago that I start a blog. I scoffed.

And then I started a blog.

I was complaining that I felt unfulfilled, burdened with purpose—with a message—and no way to fulfill it… not even an idea of what it was. I told him I felt compelled to write, like there was something burning within me that needed to be told; but I had no clue what it might be. I would open a Word document and stare at that taunting black line that pulses where a word should be, begging me to begin. But no words would come. It was absolutely torturous, and my husband’s nonchalant suggestion that I start a blog to solve the problem seemed like a totally insensitive minimization of my deeply melancholy feelings.

And here I am.

I’ve never written a blog before. I’m not telling any of my friends about it. It’s not really for anyone in particular—I’m not trying to get page views or anything. I’m just writing. So you can read if you want, since it’s out there on the indestructible Internet. But I’m really just writing to find something… to find my message.

I don’t even really know what I’m going to write about! I’ll humor the Internet with stories from my life that hold significance, words from the Lord that need to be released, thoughts over which I’ve mulled which need further processing… I’ll just write, I guess.

I want the purpose of this blog to be the practice of sharing my heart, mind, and spirit through a written medium. I want to put effort into forming thoughts, eloquently expressing concepts, and organizing my delivery. I really do want to grow as a messenger in the Kingdom of Heaven, so I’ll just start here. Now is as good a time as any.

I’ve been thinking lately about the advice I’ve always given people concerning the feeling that they are waiting for their life to begin. “I used to feel that way,” I’d empathize, “but I’ve come to learn that I can’t keep sitting around waiting for life to start because my life is already going on, and I need to live it to the fullest!” Ah, how inspiring I am. It was through processing my current life frustrations with my husband, however, that I realized I wasn’t living my own advice. I was so upset because I felt like I had to wait to start sharing a message until I had a clear, refined, organized, and brilliant message to share. But that’s not how it works. How could I expect to be a decent messenger if I’ve never practiced?

You don’t just wake up one day a brilliant concert pianist. I can’t just walk onto a stage and perform in a Shakespearean classic when I feel like it. And no matter how hard I try tomorrow, I will not be the best figure skater in the world. Practice is an actual necessity for performing excellently in every skill or art. Are there prodigies and savants? Yes. Am I one of them? No. Therefore, I must practice. Yes, I’ve always prided myself in my writing abilities and long-winded eloquence, but that doesn’t mean I’m the best, perfect, or anywhere near how good I could be if I just practice more.

So, here I am. Practicing. I truly feel like the Lord has put a strong desire in my heart to write. I feel called to transcribe revelations, teachings, words, and messages from Him. They may begin as very simple, poorly written, incompletely realized, and ill-constructed ideas. But, by the grace of God, they can grow into truly profound, clearly articulated, and powerfully useful snippets of revelation from the Father for His children, His friends, His bride—those who walk with the Almighty.

Holy King, let me be a mouthpiece for You.

I’m ready to practice.